JoSE_iVAn

i had a dram last nyt, usually these kind of dreams used to make you smile in the morning when you wake up. instead the initial reaction i felt was "what the heck" i remember a quote i got ages ago that says, "dreams are escape from reality" something like that. i strongly agree with that. in fact i used to wish all the time before i go to sleep that i’ll have sweet dreams just to escape reality. in this case i think what i’m trying to get is i dont want to escape reality. cause lately its been hurting me that what’s going on in my dreams are exact opposite of reality. "hoping for your dreams to come true, it’s what make life interesting" first time i heard this quote from the import movie beautiful boxer, i liked it and i felt inspired to dream more. hope is all i got and i dont even feel my dreams. faith leads me.   

we had a 20 miles training last sat. and as some of you know i will be running the long beach marathon for GK777. i was able to accomplish 17 miles of it cause i came late and have to take a detour to catch up.  while running, im having these thoughts that helped me to keep on going and going. thoughts that after 17 miles i felt like a better/stronger person. but after having some rest it seems again nothing happened. thoughts were confusing and it weakens me inside. it made me feel helpless. only if i can show and give the more of me. if only i can stop the care and be selfish. maybe i didnt have to feel all the muscle pains and stressed joints. but this is me, i will and can never stop caring, giving, serving and loving you.

for quite some time now, i’m in the fast lane going up and downhill. winding roads scares me at first but few more miles after it enjoys me. skills are coming up eventually and when i’m getting the hand of it here comes a sharp, almost u uphill turn. but yet still downshifting to get to the top quickly again. fuel empty warning light illuminates, time for a stop. as i enjoy a bar of snickers fuel pump clicks and it’s time to hit the road again. curves’ starting to be challenging and it feels like skills are fading. over steer this and under steer that. sticking to low gear, and rev getting high thought me the trick and voala i’m back on track and loving it. grinding gears are starting to come up, breaks getting worn out and tires are going bald. as aggressive i go all out still, i didn’t let these slow me down. here comes the check engine light! rev limiter went down. this is getting serious. slow down drive normal and be safe. discomforting as it is to me, it needs to be done. as soon as i locate and get out of the shop, i wanna use the cruise control and not get bored at it.

once we’ve fought. it’s in me that you’ve become my perfect foe. tough match but who succeed? not again, cause maybe this time i’ll abandon ship. convince me that this is illusive. let me out, let me in. dedicated to the end.

its friday night and  here i am sitting in the front of the computer doing nothig. i dont know why im here. i keep on looking on the same site(s) over and over again. seeking,waiting? well, i just realized thats pretty much my life is. doing the same shi* over and over again. lurk for somthing better to happen along the way. i guess im getting used to it. but is it a good thing? you tell me. waaa! im getting tired. am i complaining to much or this is just a way of release? waaaa! im bored! or am i? blah!

p.s. i know we’re all still blessed!!!!

possitive thinking! surprise me…..

you dont need to bother and i dont need to be! i wish i had a reason, but you know what? i don’t care at all!! isnt that enough? so why still bother?

ok. so, there is nothing much i can say right now. i just wanna get this thing started (i don’t know why! i just feel like it).  hopefully my future posts will have more sense than this.